MustBeatThis

To update from my last post, I found some shin gaurds that are a sleeve that you slip on and then slip the guards in the front.  They fit and they work, ALLELEUhia! I got them and my new cleats today.

 So I was in the store trying on some summer clothes this evening, being overly critical of my body as usual, and I got to thinking, is it ever enough?  For those of us on a quest for a fitter, trimmer, tighter body, is there ever a point that someone reaches and says, “yep, ok I look good, now I’m happy” With all these “mini-goals”, is there ever an end point? I used to see “beautiful people” and think that they never had any problem with self confidence or self doubt.  Now that I’ve realised that every one is their own worst critic, I worry, will I ever be satisfied? Or will it always be this battle, striving for 5 lbs less, one size smaller, more muscle, less fat, and on and on and on. So, an open question to someone who’s been at their “goal weight”, what’s your view point?  I am not talking about becoming complacent, I understand that one will ever after have to work to maintain, I’m talking about just being 100% comfortable and happy in your body and not wanting more (or less, depending on how you look at it).

As I’m on this journey to lose the weight and finally be a “normal” person, I at some point told myself to not let the weight get in the way of living my life. So today I decided to go play a pickup game of soccer. I played JV in HS a long time ago.  It was fun to be back out on the field, but my lack of conditioning against these other active adults embarrassed me and my lack of skill was evident as I was on defense and let at least 7-8 goals past me.

To make matter worse, most of my extra weight is in my hips and legs.  My calves are so thick that I cannot even squeeze into soccer socks or find shin guards big enough.  This has always been a problem for me and is so embarrassing that I have sworn off shorts or anything that would reveal my legs.  I have even been unable to go skiing with friends and classmates on a school trip b/c they didn’t have any ski boots that were big enough to close over my calves. I am very self conscious about this.

I’ve been to countless stores and tried to squeeze into the socks and shin guards and have to ask about the largest size they have.  All the other people that were playing are very athletic and the girls all have very little, cute, petite legs. The fat jiggles when I run (I have fat knees for crying out loud), and I have varicose veins even though I am only 24.  These are not hereditary.  The doc said “Just lose some weight and they will go away” Well, I lost 50 lbs and they have only gotten worse.  I am 20 lbs overweight, which is considerable if you’re 5′4″, but I feel like a huge, massive whale and a freak. If I could afford body contouring, I would schedule tomorrow. Also, I am worried that even once I have lost the 20 lbs, I will still have this problem due to my unique body shape.

This has all reminded me of why I swore it all off.  It is embarrassing beyond belief. I CANNOT be the only person with this problem.  I just don’t know what to do.  I love Soccer so much and it was exhilarating to be out on the field again, but if I cannot find gear that fits me and overcome my embarrassment, this might stop me from playing.  I’m so mad and upset, I feel like I haven’t been living life.  These are the types of things that keep people fat, keep them from ever taking a chance to make a change.   I get sooo pissed off if someone that I am with sees an overweight person out walking and makes a rude comment.  I always say “Hey, you need to give them credit for trying to better themselves and its people like you that make it hard to make the change.”

 So if anyone reads this, a lil advice? Maybe you know of a place that sells freakishly large shin guards and soccer socks.  Maybe you can tell me of some magical exercise that will skinnify my legs. I would do all the work in the world if it meant I could just squeeze into normal size socks and shin guards. There needs to be a sporting goods store for the overweight.